I don't know what the problem is. I'm simply not jumping up and down with joy that Christmas day will be here in precisely 12 days.

Maybe it's because I haven't purchased ONE present. But I don't think so...I've always been a last minute shopper - that comes from working retail 10 plus years - I have an intense dislike for crowds. If I could do all of my shopping on Ebay, believe you me, I would do it.

Maybe it's because I haven't been going to all the Christmas parties as usual. But I don't think that's it either...I HATE going to social functions where people feel the need to pretend to be someone they're really not. The plastic smiles, the "oh everything is WONDERFUL in my life right now" stories...it wears on me.

I really don't know what it is. Honestly, there are some days I wake up lately and wish I could just pull the covers back over my head and roll over to go back to sleep. I feel like I've hit some invisible wall and it is really beginning to disturb me. Usually, I can power right on through that sort of thing...but not this time. I'm tired...grumpy...and I just feel like being lazy. I have trouble thinking of things to write about. I have trouble staying focused on one project - my mind drifts to a plethura of other things that are still waiting to be done. I have trouble remembering what it is like not have trouble in these areas.

Clarity. Focus. Goals. <~~ See those? They are the enemy of my personal life right now. Shhh...don't tell my friends. They think I have them. I have been so focused and goal oriented in my business life that it's left me drained in my personal life. I feel so out of balance.

Oh, I still read my Bible and attend church...I'm over the nursery and help my husband every Sunday with Jr. Church where I play mama to about 75 other kids. But it's not done with the zeal it once was. It's more like a job. Like I have to do it...and it's not always enjoyable. I find myself sometimes almost dreading it.

I'm blessed beyond measure - I have three gorgeous kids, a loving husband, a great church family, a few good friends...what more is there? I'm not unhappy...just tired. It's not that I don't enjoy doing for others - for my husband, kids, church, community - I derive great joy and satisfaction in being able to do for others. But sometimes, there is a little part of me (the really, really selfish part) that whispers every once in a while, "why don't they do that for me?"

I know that what I do here echoes in eternity, and that my motives for doing the things I do should be pure if I want to receive my rewards in Heaven. I know that. I do.

Happiness is not the same as joy. Joy is internal and continual - happiness is external and occasionally based on circumstance. I still have the joy of knowing I am going to Heaven. I am not always happy. I read something in Proverbs this morning that is just now sinking in, though. I have been pondering these verses in my heart and I believe that there is something in them for me.

"Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her." - Prov 3:13-18

Sometimes, I just have to write until I get what I need...my mood has changed and I feel better.

I usually delete these posts, but today, I think I'll let you have a glimpse of what I'm going through.